So many things have happened, yet I find even lesser time to blog or document it... Admittedly, this isn't really a blog where I wear my sleeve on, so its not any surprise that it gets neglected.

As we move on in life, it gets tougher to do the former. No longer can we be flippant, no longer can we be brutally honest, no longer can we say anything we want without consequence...

Funny how I've come to this point, pretty much unsinged so far, where I look back and see how self-destructive I'd have been if I remained as I were. Not physically - socially.

I don't think it's impossible to be genuine in the working world. Yet genuineness is really a thesis in itself, and in this case I loosely define its parameters as that of Emotional Quotient and Moral Value.

And that brings us to the next question(s): What makes you? What makes you, you? What is it that makes you, you, you?

I've been swept along with the tides and can barely find time to delve into reflective waters these days. Snap - everything happens and whistles by at a snap - I find myself reacting purely instinctively in certain situations, which by fallen human nature-definition isn't a good thing. Especially for my ego. And character portrayal.

But it's one great fallacy, really, to say that everything immediate calls for an immediate response. To think that being quick and snappy makes good hay. Sure, the haystack may look nice from the outside, but it soon collapses from the lack of support due to the straws that were mangled during that hasty attempt to get it up.

I've come to realise that what we label as 'immediate' determines our 'immediate' response. And it also determines what makes us, us, us. I daresay that our priorities pretty much define who we are, and what we see and identify ourselves as. The first word that slips out of our mouth, the first facial twitch, the first thought that pops into our mind, the first thing our heart beats after...

2 Corinthians 10:4-5
4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.


Therefore, if God is my priority, then may every first thing I do be a conscientious effort to reflect everything that God's name stands for. Being impulsive is my stronghold. But I cling on to the Double-edged Sword that penetrates the soul and spirit, that already promises to demolish strongholds that separate us from Him, that prevents us from being Salt and Light to the world. His Word. And in this (stronghold) case, I hold Philippians 4:8* true. It gets tough, it gets tiring, it gets past my mind sometimes... Yet I strive to remind myself to take every thought captive, and make it obedient to Christ.

It works, try it. God is good.

*Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

Oei you in the mirror. Stop talking and DO SOMETHING.

My brain is on the verge of shutting down, I don't know why. Things are in a whirl in my head, I have dates and events and names all over the place. Even got told off for being 'rude' cos I accidentally called the head office and thought that I called the restaurant which they usually know who I am when I call and I asked the person on the line who she was (I know my tone was a friendly one!). Nyeh. I think I'm growing old, really. All the frisbee isn't giving me any more energy. Nuuuu! Okay, okay. Still gotta learn to be more organised, yes.

On another note, work is quite crazy this season. Not good for festive moods, not good. Must learn to segregate and not let all the holidaying people make me feel like not working. I really enjoy working from the comforts of home cos I can really concentrate better without miscellaneous stuff hailing from the sky. But big boss not too keen on me doing so. Ah well.

Still, I'm glad that I have a cool manager who's open minded, never hesitates to speak her mind and throws the odd ego-cutting phrase (but I never take it to heart). Like proverbs it say, 'scold is lurve' mah. I'm only more grateful that she bothers to nudge me in the right direction. And she's passed me a whole barrel of not-so-old clothes, making me feel a bit like Salvation Army. I'm not complaining, though! I need a good neck massage soon.

December is birthday + Christmas presents season. This only portends my pockets running dry... Not that I have much in them to begin with. Ah well.

C'mon, work hard, get promoted!!!!

Such a sad list I have. I guess it's quite obvious that most of the time I read books that I really like... Haven't read many books since I was 17. So the bulk of it is pre-17 stuff. Bah. The Internet has killed any reading habits that I have!!! NGHH!

1) Look at the list and bold those that you've read.
2.) Italicize those you intend to read.
3.) Underline the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (Go figure :P)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (For sure!!!!!!! Tolkien rocks)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy (Made me appreciate classics even more)
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert (Ultimate favourite!!)
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (Watched the movie on cable ha ha)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Have I read this or not?! Have! Don't have! I can't remember!)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton (I loveeeed imagining being part of the book.)
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (Have I read this too? Feels like I have... But can't remember.)
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (Watched movie but haven't read -_-)

I have so much to say, but I'll have to write it to you.

When I finally muster the guts to.

I've been dreaming about it almost everyday since I got the news. Actually, make that everyday. I dream about telling her the truth. Dream about how I'm going to go about doing it. Dream about her response, the three very different responses I get each time - of joy and forgiveness, of immense anger that cuts my heart, of indifference and a cold, cold shoulder.

And each time I dream and awake, I find myself empty. Emptied of any relief that I had gotten from finally escaping from it all (though rather scathed and scarred and scared). Without fail, the healed wounds open like floodgates, and the threads that once bound them shoots a riptide of memories across my mind's eye.

They rush in so quickly, I can hardly see them in its entirety. Yet I can distinctly feel every etch of emotion from the times I had with him. From the craziest of times, to the deepest, to the darkest. So fast, these elements amalgamate into a blur that wrings itself right down my gullet. Looking at that ugly picture, I can neither smile, nor cry, nor scream. All I feel is deep pain. It's no surprise, I tell myself, the remnants of what he left me. Wasn't the happy times. Wasn't the crazy times.

Then I see it: Pain was never an option. It was a price.

But for some reason, before I sink deeper, a switch goes off. Each and every time. The images snap blank, and I see myself staring at myself in a mirror in that room, staring at myself. Each reflection a different emotion from the other.

I greedily swallow air that I've forgotten to breathe. And I remember how His grace has been sufficient for me.

Slowly and wearily, I lift my eyes to the heavens, and shake myself alive. A slight twinge of guilt runs through my mind, and I berate myself silently for being weak. I'm no longer empty; His strength indeed is perfect when I'm weak.

Atypical.



I challenge all of you to do it in ONE WORD.

The Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
4. Comment on it.
5. Tag 5 people.

1) How are you feeling today?
These Eyes - Sevenfalls
(Strangely, sort of.)

2) Will you get far in life?
Special Needs - Placebo
(Wah lau.)

3) What's your best friend's theme song?
Pneumonia - Bjork
(Wicked!)

4) What is the story of your life?
Soul Provider - Michael Bolton
(LOLOL)

5) What was high school like?
Map of the Problematique - Muse
(Wow, you don't say.)

6) How can you get ahead with life?
Boyz 'n' The Hood - Stanley Clarke
(Hmmmm.)

7) What's the best thing about your friends?
Used to resisting - Bonk O.R.E demo
(....)

8) Describe your grandparents.
Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
(HAHAHA *koff*)

9) How's your life going?
No more LSD - Larry Norman
(FTW!)

10) What will be played at my funeral?
Enemy - Typewriter
(Wot siol.)

11) Will you have a happy life?
Lethal Enforcer - We are Scientists
(Put a gun to my head.)

12) What do your friends really think of you?
We are the Champions - Queen
(I'm a Champ!)

13) Do people secretly lust after you?
Red-Eye - The Album Leaf
(Uh huh uh huh!)

14) How can you make yourself happy?
All moving in the order of a higher hand - Bonk o.r.e. Demo
(Indeed!)

15) Will you ever have children?
I pray - Stream of Praise Music
(Yes I will.)

16) What song would you strip to?
Love theme from the Godfather - Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra
(WOO, Mysterio!)

17) What does your mom think of you?
Disp:rs - B-Quartet
(Yea my things are quite disp:rs-ed in my room.)

18) What is your deep, dark secret?
Ventura Highway - America
(Alligator lizards in the air...)

19) What is your enemy's theme song?
Drop of Soul - Humpback Oak
(So dark.)

20) What's your personality like?
Joga - Bjork
(JOGA BONITO! A state of emergency, how beautiful...)

21) What will be played at your wedding?
Spoken for - We are Scientists
(Indeed we're both now spoken for. :D)

Tag 5 people:
1. evil-intent
2. Melephantom
3. her_immaginiare
4. sayfromage
5. the_euge

On Jesus' persecution, leading up to his crucifixion:

"It’s not only sticks and stones that injure us; many of us carry deep hurts caused by the cruel or thoughtless words of others. If you have been wounded by words, look to Jesus today and see how he suffered the pain you know. Recognise that he took that pain to the cross so that through his death you could be healed and set free."

- Closertogod.org.uk

Today, I had the worst bout of migrane ever. Adam says it's definitely because of my sinus -- my forehead was hurting like mad (man, did I feel like Harry Potter) for the WHOLE day. It started last night actually. I lay in bed, tossing around, my eyebrows in a permanent frown. I was SO down, I could have drowned. Corny act-lyrics aside, yes, I thought I was going to develop a tumour and the tumour will press against my nerves in the brain and will cause me to go blind. It got better during YF; then it's back... I can't bow my head in prayer because the blood and pressure will weigh itself on my nose. Sigh.

Somehow, I can't sleep. Goodnight.

P.S. I'm hoooooked to Boggle on Facebook. Some people are TOO imba*; I wonder if they cheat. Really. I bet they don't know half the words they come up with. Well, neither do I. Bah.


*imba = imbalanced = need to be nerfed*
*nerf = a brand of child-safe toys = too dangerous players that need to be made n00b* safe
*n00b = newbie

"Everyone must start somewhere. The most important thing is to be humble."

And I cannot agree less.

Somehow, the brevity of you flying off has only just hit home -- an hour after you've flown. I've been in denial about you leaving, telling myself that it's going to be but a year and a half. I'm such an idiot. It's DEFINITELY going to be different not having you around. I'm not going to be the one who's going to miss your presence the most, but it still matters a lot that there won't be another AMN1 to be retarded, make music, share secrets and stuff with. It's never going to be the same with anyone else.

I can't help but berate myself about being so nonchalant that you were leaving. It was denial, which explains how little I met up with you despite knowing you were flying off. For a year and a half! Who was I kidding when I thought it was going to be painless. I'm sorry that I took the departure of a friend I consider so dear this easily. Why was I still trying to hold back my tears when you were entering the departure area?

You mean much more than my stupid ego, than my asinine beliefs that crying is a sign of weakness. You're the best thing that happened to me in 2004, do you know that? Our friendship is extremely dear to me, yes it is.

I'm still glad that you're going to pursue your dreams and upgrade your skills, but I'm feeling the loss badly now. I'll be okay soon, though. Life goes on, doesn't it. :]

Do well and become a kickass journalist. And above all, take good care of yourself and stay close to God.

I'll be missing you, Eve.

Expect less.

I'm at the peaking point of my puberty, I think.

The sudden 'enlightenment' of the precariousness of where I'm at now and how inept and ill-disciplined I've been doesn't serve the situation.

Yes, a big part of me still doesn't want to admit to the fact that I have to grow up. Yet this big part of me is definitely no less in self-denial as the rest of me, and it's really frightened and scared to see... that the future has started.

I felt much better last night, reassuring myself that God is in control. That He will carry me through. I'm ever so thankful to have Him.

I have to really watch my speech and emotions, though. I think this issue has been affecting my temper. All these 'growing up' only provokes my inner child into being whiny and spoilt. The 'hey, give me a break, I'm just a kid' kind of feeling.

But no.

I'm a grown up.

I'm going to be 21 this year, but still am the lazy ass that likes to seat herself in front of mindless computer games and waste the hours away.

My resolutions ain't no working.

It scares me to realise that the agencies that I want to go to has their New York offices IN THE SAME VICINITY as Adam's school-to-be. Which narrows my path scarily much. The plan is really THAT obvious.

Get my butt into the MNCs I'm eyeing. Work really, really, REALLY hard, make a great impression and win many awards -- in 2 or 3 years. Save up like mad. Then ask for a transfer to their NY office. And try to keep afloat there, where advertising operations are crazy powerful. Sink or swim.

So what's the rate of success? If I become a fanatical ad person, staying past midnights, giving up my social/church life and drawing up ideas like crazy while superhuman-ising my English which will help me win a One Show by 2010: probably 10%.

And if I keep up with this sorry attitude of mine, 0.0005%. Unless a miracle happens. Or I throw all caution to the wind and go to NY with the Boy, search madly for a job that will help me get a green card and stay there for the next 3 years or so. While handling the chores, money, relationship, rent, food, culture, politics etc etc.

No, it's not as simple as I initially dreamed it up to be. But I want to go out there and see the world.

Dear God, is this how you're going to rid me of my laziness?

Pairings held together in the dry
Flip, flop, a nasty smear left at the rear
End of the stick, shorter of course
Snips a candle’s wick

Drip, drop, on a spot of hornet’s tea
Off the glass which children eagerly sip
Eyes shining bright

Twisted yarns to bind them strong
Smear, sneer, yes I’m sure

Meaningless.

I realised when I consider a person a friend, they are the most trustworthy and good people. Until I get hoodwinked, line and sinker. Which is many a time.

Maybe I'm just too unguarded. And foolish.

Oh well. As long as my conscience is clear...

And those who stay, I'm grateful.

Paprika was a blast. I loved the colours and the soundtrack. Like typical Japanese anime, the movie rounds up itself by using flashbacks to explain the earlier enigmas. But there was so much going on (subtitles included) that the movie’s message only dawned upon me after I sat down and thought about it. Just a bit of gripe: Everything about the main characters are intertwined with each other. Of course, they are the main characters, but ’coincidence’ feels forced when things become too fitting.

This is not so much of a review but more of the take-home message:
Paprika represents the acting conscience (choice) that stands between dreams (sub-conscious) and reality (consciousness). Between what one dreams (verb) of and what remains reality. And finding that balance among duality appears to be the theme of this movie.

Greed, immaturity, deceit, lust, anger, inferior complexes, guilt, suppression etc. are just some aspects of human nature that causes one to spiral out of control in order to chase a dream (both noun + v.). This manipulation and destruction of man’s physical and emotional being results in a disastrous domino effect (noisy scenes, destroying lives, cities etc.) follows.

So, for everything that’s bad, something good exists. Here, compassionate, brotherly and ’pure’ love (that looks beyond all of one’s negative traits) balances out evil. And to drive the point across, the abovementioned love ultimately wins.

Paprika’s role is to help people who have unanswered dreams (v.) trapped within their dreams (n.) and enable them to make a choice that’s preferably for the greater good. To add another dimension to the story, Paprika herself is one half of duality — a person’s struggle to come to terms with her emotional side — and she (Paprika) only becomes alive in her dreams (n. + v.).

Every main character in the movie is delibrately given two sides to their character. Even the villian — but we see that even in his ‘both sides’, the ‘good’ side is actually bad because he uses it to manipulate others and achieve his selfish means (not accepting reality).

‘Paprika’ is basically about morals and about being self-aware and realistic. There is a Paprika in every one of us, so to speak, and listening to it (conscience) will indefinitely spice up our lives. Otherwise, when such un-sorted out dreams (v.) merge into one’s reality, terrible things can happen.

4 out of 5 stars.

==The Day You Met==

Your mood before seeing him: Uhh. Stressed, but curious. I was anticipating a new bassist who's a killer drummer.

Who introduced you: Our band's frontman, Bonk.

Where you first saw him: Uhh... On The Observatory's website. Real life -- Fourtones' bigger jamming studio

What you noticed first: Wah lau eh, damn good drummer. I die liao. (He was jamming with Bonk)

What he noticed first: (Don't think he remembers.)

Your first impression of him: Too-cool-for-school type.

His first impression of you: I'm nice! Woo!

First thing he said in your presence: Something to Bonk when they were jamming. Didn't even say hello properly bleh.

Kind of person you thought he was: Gear head. Jukebox. Happening. Basically, a world apart.

From 1-10 [10 being highest likelihood], how much of a chance you thought you had with him: Nil! The thought of it almost never came.

==RELATIONSHIP FIRSTS==

First Hand-holding [where took place / who initiated it]: Not
First Hug [where took place / who initiated it]: Telling
First Kiss [where took place / who initiated it]: You!

==WHO IS MORE [BLANK] IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP==

Horny: NA.

Romantic: We're about the same? Not overkill, just mildly expressive. Hah.

Sensitive: Wah. Both quite. Him more.

Shy: Depends on the situation and who we are with. I'm less generally shy.

Intelligent: He's the music guru. I'm... stuff.

Spiritual: Me.

Humorous: We have a good fight going on here!

Messy: Me! Woo!

Lazy: Him!

==WHAT [BLANK] MAKES YOU THINK OF YOUR PARTNER==

Song: No definite one :P

Movie: Uhh... No particular either.

Food: Thai Express' Basil Chicken!

Household Appliance: Washing machine.

Kind of Dance: DISCO! HAHAH.

Season: Uhh...

Type of Tree: -_-

Animal: Corgy. 'Cos he wants one.

Flower: Roses. He bought me a bouquet for V day :)

==WHICH [BLANK] OF YOUR PARTNER'S DO YOU LIKE BEST==

Article of Clothing: His Esprit jacket :P

Jewelry Item: He don't wear no jewelry.

Favorite Band: Radiohead!

Friend: UHhh. James? Well James is now a mutual friend, but can still be considered right.

==DO YOU [BLANK] IN YOUR PARTNER'S PRESENCE?==

Fart: All the time. :D

Burp: No.. I can't burp lah if not I would.

Cry: I would if I did.

Sleep: Yah...

Eat: Hoo yeah! What kind of statement is this!?